The feedback is not about you

One of my most powerful reminders is this: feedback is about performance and behaviour, not your worth as a person.

That distinction matters more than many leaders realise.

In the March 3, 2026 Harvard Business Review article “When Feedback Crosses the Line,” researchers found that about 24% of respondents had experienced feedback that felt like a character attack. These comments did not focus on behaviour. They suggested the person was fundamentally flawed.

This is where feedback goes off track.

You may think you are speaking about a task, a pattern, or a performance issue. The other person may hear: I am the problem.

That is why leaders need more than honesty. They need skill.

The Feedback Fit leader keeps feedback anchored in what is observable and useful. The framework encourages leaders to be clear about the type of feedback they are offering. Acknowledgement feedback is about recognising what the person is doing well. Evaluation feedback is about where someone stands in relation to expectations. Guidance feedback is about how they can improve.

There is a world of difference between:

“You’re careless.”

And:

“I noticed the Jone report went out with two missing attachments. That affected credibility. Next time, use the final checklist before sending.”

One invites shame.
The other supports growth.

I also remind people not to use feedback to decide whether they are valuable human beings. Feedback should be used to strive for excellence, growth and learning, not to determine personal worth.

If your tone carries contempt, if your words attack character, or if you label the person rather than the behaviour, you make it much harder for the other person to stay open to your feedback.

Ask yourself:

Am I responding to a behaviour?
Or am I reacting to a person?

You can be clear and kind.

Research source: Bin Zhao, Rebecca L. Dunkailo, Judith Clair and Ryan L. Boyd, “When Feedback Crosses the Line,” Harvard Business Review, March 3, 2026.

If you’re ready to become Feedback Fit, Book a 30-minute complimentary discussion with Sue and discover how to create a feedback-rich culture that keeps your best people growing and thriving.

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