When things aren’t changing

A “yes” is not always a yes.

Sometimes it is fear.
Sometimes it is people-pleasing.

Sometimes it is trying to end a feedback Conversation.

You might like to think about Feedback conversations in three different levels:

Level One: Offer the feedback and invite the person to reflect

‘I have noticed this.... Can you do things differently?’

‘I have noticed this… How can you do things differently?’

This is where your feedback is:

• Casual

• Quick

• Specific 

• Talk about consequences

• Non confrontational

Level Two: Offer and ask for the change you want

‘I have noticed this, I’d like you to do this… instead.’

‘Let’s talk about doing things differently…’

Level Three: Addressing reluctance to change

What do you do when you have offered the feedback and asked for the change, maybe even reminded the person of your request, and they say yes, but you don’t observe any change in behaviour? You have given enough time and opportunities for change to be implemented, and it still hasn’t happened?

It’s time to move on to a Level Three Conversation. This is a different conversation. It’s no longer about the initial topic of the feedback, e.g., the way they format the Jones Report. It’s a level up in thinking.  Now you are offering feedback about the pattern you are observing.

This conversation is now about:

• Their reluctance to change.

• Them saying ‘Yes, I will change,’ but not following through on that change.

• Their credibility, reputation and trustworthiness, etc.

As leaders, it’s your role to offer feedback and ask for change with the expectation that the change will be implemented.  Most people will try their best to implement the feedback you have provided. They might fall back into old habits at times of high stress, but they intend to change.  We can support those people.

A leader can draw the line when someone repeatedly says ‘Yes’. Brene Brown calls this ‘The Dirty Yes.’  This is when people say, ‘Yes, thanks for the feedback, I will make the change,’ but they have no intention of making that change.  Usually, they use the dirty yes to try to end the feedback conversation where they are being held accountable.

Where is the line?   

We can offer feedback and support people in implementing the feedback. What we can’t support is asking someone repeatedly to implement feedback; they say they are going to, but you observe no change.

It’s not ok for someone you lead to tell you repeatedly they are going to implement your feedback, and then not do it.